


A Ghost, A Whisper, A Paradox

by RoseByAnyOtherName (badxwolfxrising)



Series: Nothing Gold Can Stay [2]
Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who & Related Fandoms, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-08
Updated: 2013-07-08
Packaged: 2018-03-16 16:51:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,738
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3495770
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/badxwolfxrising/pseuds/RoseByAnyOtherName
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>River wishes desperately to see the Doctor again. CAL and the TARDIS find a permanent solution to the problem.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Ghost, A Whisper, A Paradox

“You miss the Doctor,” Charlotte said matter-of-factly.

“Huh?” River replied, shaking her head. She’d been looking out the window, daydreaming. Daydreaming about the Doctor, as it were. She was thinking that both of the Doctor’s incarnations as she had known them had had rather thin lips. She thought this especially ironic given the chronic case of gob-that-never-stops, whether it was talking, laughing, snogging or other things... She had never much minded, but they both had that in common, along with other parts of their collective anatomy that were not quite as thin. Oh, but why was she sitting here daydreaming about all that in front of Charlotte?

“Old habits die hard,” the girl chirped, almost gleefully. On the floor, she continued drawing her pictures. River noticed that she was drawing the garden, and herself sitting reading in the middle of it. A refreshing change from her usual repertoire of bookshelves and the like. Dr. Moon would be pleased.

“Hold on. Were you just reading my mind?” River asked, realising what the girl had said.

“Yes,” the child replied simply.

“How? But nevermind how, that’s tremendously impolite of you!” River scolded.

“I’m sorry, but I can’t help it. I’m the data core, and your thoughts are so loud sometimes. Besides, who do you think let the Doctor in for his little visit last month? You were just sitting there, thinking about kissing him.”

“Couldn’t you try not to look? I mean, I’m normally not the type to be shy about my urges and impulses, and I know you’re technically more than a hundred years old now, but you still seem so much like a child and it makes me feel wrong. And not wrong in the hey, you’re-not-MY-Doctor-but-that’s-okay-let’s-snog-anyway sort of wrong, but wrong like feeding a pig leftover bacon sort of wrong.”

“You’re such a funny lady, River. I suppose I could try not to look or listen to your thoughts, not if you don’t want me to. But I only said something because I was going to ask if you wanted to see him again,” she said primly, placing her crayons at the side of her paper and looking up at River expectantly.

“Well of course I’d love to see him again. I’d say I’d die to see him again, but well...been there, done that. I asked him when he was here if I would see him again, but he didn’t answer me. I’m not sure what to think, really.”

“Well last time he just popped by rather unexpectedly. I wasn’t exactly prepared, you know. If I knew he was coming, I could plan to divert energy away from the mainframe to help assist with the download process. It’ll be much quicker and a lot more reliable that way. Then you could see him all the time! I think I’d miss you, but I know you would be happy.”

River stared at the girl, confused. What was she rattling on about? “I’m not sure I follow you. Energy transfer or not, the Doctor can’t let the TARDIS orbiting around this planet indefinitely. It wouldn’t be safe.”

Charlotte shook her head, indicating that River did not understand. River didn’t have a chance to press the issue because proper Dave walked into the room. 

River still hadn’t told him about the Doctor’s visit. She wasn’t sure why, it wasn’t like it mattered-they weren’t exactly a thing. But the world here was strange-there were other people, but they were just digital impressions drawn from the Library’s vast sources of information and inspiration. Okay to have a cuppa with, but not the type of beings you could form meaningful connections with. Most of them were fictional character archetypes at the bones of it all. Not that that had stopped River from testing the hypothesis, but at the end of the day they were just characters, not really real people like the Dave’s, Anita and Miss Evangelista. 

Other Dave and Anita were infatuated with each other. Charlotte had even created a glitch so that they could have a baby together-it would’ve otherwise been impossible to sustain the fiction, since they were aware of how the digital world functioned. They had both died young though, and expressed regret at having missed out on the opportunity to have a family. If they were unsatisfied with their own little digital fairy tale, they didn’t let on. River and proper Dave...well, she wasn’t even sure what they were. She knew that on the nights when she was loneliest, the feeling of his strong arms around her helped dull the pain just that much more. For ultimately being a digital impression herself, it surprised her just how raw her feelings still sometimes were.

“Hello, love,” Dave said, planting a kiss on the crown of Charlotte’s head. He came to sit next to River on the settee. “So what were you two discussing so intently before I walked in here?”

River started to form a lie on her tongue, but Charlotte answered before she even had a chance to complete the thought. “Mum and I were just talking about how nice it would be to have a party for Dave and Anita and the new baby. Don’t you think, Dad?”

“Oh, I reckon that’d be rather lovely. You could make those little biscuits, with the rosewater and almonds,” he said, turning to look at River.

“Greek wedding biscuits, yes. Not a wedding, but still a special occasion. I’ll have to pop down to the corner to pick up butter, though. An ungodly amount of butter in those things,” she said indifferently.

“No worries,” Dave said with a smile and a squeeze of her hand. “We’re nearly out of milk, too, I’ll just take the list and go to the store.” The look he gave River made her feel a million times worse for sitting there, musing on the Doctor’s lips and hips and other bits.

Once he had left the room, Charlotte fixed River with a knowing smile. “You’re welcome,” she said, in a sing-song voice.

“But would did you mean? When you said that I could see him all the time. You didn’t literally mean that, did you?”

“Well of course I did, silly. Why else would I have said it? You said yourself I still have the mind of a child sometimes. Children are very literal beings. What I meant though was that if we can evenly distribute the energy burden between CAL and the Doctor’s time traveling machine’s computer, it would ensure a smooth download process. Very important that, for a permanent data transfer.”

“Even if he wanted to stay forever here, which I very much doubt, the universe wouldn’t tolerate his absence. I can be selfish, but not that selfish. And I rather doubt he’d indulge me in such a fashion anyway. You can’t permanently download the Doctor.”

“No, I can’t download the Doctor. But his time travel machine can download you. The two of us worked it out the last time, but we didn’t have the necessary energy at the time,” she said, looking very pleased with herself.

River gaped at her. How could CAL have figured out this was a possibility before a genius like the Doctor had?

“Because I’m a computer. And his time machine the...what’s it called? TARDIS? The TARDIS and I are computers. Our minds function in a linear and logical fashion. Not that the Doctor doesn’t function in a similar way himself, but he doesn’t have the benefit of having a virtually limitless supply of brain storage and processing space. If you want, you could surprise him. I should be able to contact his computer without alerting him right away.”

River felt winded. Presented with a seemingly impossible opportunity, she wasn’t sure what to say. How would the Doctor feel about that? If he had grieved her and moved on, for all intents and purposes, did she want to rip those wounds fresh open for him?

“Well, I’d want to say goodbye to everyone first, I’d guess. Because I gather I couldn’t come back. Or it wouldn’t be easy to do so, at the very least. And what about a body? I guess I would just be a projection, but that’s better than nothing...”

“Ooo, well see I hope this isn’t a problem, but you kind of have to go now if you want to go. As for the body, I wouldn’t worry so much about that. The TARDIS and the Doctor should be able to sort that,,” Charlotte said, purposefully averting her gaze as she continued doodling.

“Come again?”

“I figured that you were most likely to say yes. The TARDIS and I are already synced up, I was just waiting for your consent. Once you give it, I can start uploading and you can start downloading. But there are solar flares coming. You’ve got about three minutes to make up your mind. The atmosphere won’t be right for this for another fifty years or so, which might as well be an eternity, even to your ageless self. I know how bored you are. So go, River. You helped me by bringing the Doctor to me, now let me bring you to the Doctor in return. Please?”

“Right. Yes, okay. Yes, let’s go,” River said.

Charlotte reached out for River’s hand. Clasping it tightly, she closed her eyes. River felt the edges of the world buzzing and flickering brightly, and she heard the familiar noise of the TARDIS materialising in her head. A few moments later, she was gone.

Dave came back from the store a bit later, whistling. He was looking forward to the fragrant little biscuits that melted in your mouth like the copious amounts of butter used to make them. River generally lacked the patience for baking, but she did a divine job when she put her mind to it. When he came back into the living room Charlotte was still on the floor drawing, but River was nowhere to be seen.

“Where’d she go off to now?” he asked.

“River Song has left the Library,” Charlotte said simply.

“What?” Dave asked, thinking he had not heard her correctly the first time.

“River Song has left the Library. River Song has been uploaded and saved.”

Dave dropped the bag with the milk and butter in it. The milk burst open and began to quietly bubble onto the floor, a wordless commentary on the pointlessness of it all. He looked around hopelessly, like a lost child on a crowded and busy street. 

River was gone.

* * * * *

It was dark where she was, and so very, very cold. Her extremities felt numb, her ears were ringing, and her head felt like it was being crushed in a vise. She bit back a cry of pain, tasted the hot, metallic tang of blood in her mouth. How was she tasting blood? Where exactly was she?

She opened her eyes, and saw nothing. Only darkness. She willed her stubborn limbs to move, and with what felt like Herculean effort, reached out to feel her surroundings. Her fingers knocked against something, but she was still so numb she could hardly tell what it was. Whatever it was, it was a hard, smooth surface. Her ears were still ringing, so she couldn’t tell what sort of noise it made when she knocked against it. She took a deep breath, stuffed her rising panic deep inside, and continued taking deep breaths until the ringing in her ears finally subsided. It was utterly silent where she was, the only sound her quick and shallow breathing. The air in here was thin.

As calmly as she could manage, she raised her arms up in front of her and stretched her fingers out. They brushed against cold, smooth metal an alarmingly short distance from her face. When she laid her arms down and attempted to spread her fingers the opposite direction, she again encountered the smooth metal.She scooted her bum upwards, but her head hit metal before she could move more than a hair’s breadth. When she tried to scoot back downwards, her bare feet knocked against metal. Blast, but it was _really_ cold in here, like a meat locker, and the chill was that much more noticeable on her bare skin...

It clicked in her mind then, where she was. Cold like a meat locker, because it was one. Furiously, she began kicking her feet against the bottom of her prison.

“Please! For the love of God, please! I’m not dead!”

* * * * *

The Doctor was in a pensive mood. But these days, when was he not? 

He was in the TARDIS library. Again. He found himself here quite often anymore, flipping through the pages of _The History of the Time War_. He knew why he was compelled to torture himself in such a brutal fashion, but he refused to acknowledge it. He was utterly alone now, with no warm human hands to hold his own and distract him from the truth and reality of his past, of who he was. He bowed his head, scrubbed furiously at his eyes, took a deep breath and sighed. He needed a distraction.

That was what visiting River had been. A distraction. A temporary respite. Someone who knew and understood him completely, knew what he needed, even if he didn’t always understand it himself. He had wanted to stay there with her, but he knew it wasn’t right. That River there inside the computer wasn’t his. Maybe this body had had its great love already, and he had walked away from her without ever truly saying goodbye. What he felt now, that raging, empty, screaming void inside, eating away at him? Maybe that was just his punishment. For the Time War. For being responsible for the destruction of his own race, and of others. For all the ones who had died in his name. For all the ones who had loved him unconditionally, only to be made to suffer for that love...

The lights in the library began to flicker violently then. He looked up, startled. Several of the lights flickered on and off before popping in a tiny burst of flame. The room was shaking too, and books were flying off the shelves. The cloister bell was ringing in the distance. Something was causing a power drain on the TARDIS. Something was wrong. Having no more time for contemplation, he instead sprang into action, running gracelessly toward the console room, the whole TARDIS shaking around him, threatening to tumble him down a wrong corridor at any turn. The lights continued flickering and popping, showering him in sparks of electricity. He was thrown against the wall with bone shattering force, and he felt his teeth clack together in his head as he went down. He fought to avoid losing consciousness, covered his head with his hands and hunkered down against the wall. And then just like that, it was over. The TARDIS ceased its manic shaking, and the auxiliary lights remained steadily lit. Cautiously, he raised his head and looked for confirmation that the power drain or whatever it was had finished. He stood up, brushed some debris from his shoulder, and began to quickly jog towards the console room. He could run a scan to try and figure out what had happened...

“...help!”

He stopped jogging, and cocked his head to the side. Had he actually heard that, or was he imagining things again? He paused, holding his breath.

“Please, please let me out of here!” a voice hoarsely cried. This time it was loud enough that he was sure he was not mistaken. The voice was coming from the direction of the medical wing, where the sickbay was located. It was also where his labs were, in addition to specimen rooms. And the morgue.

No. Just no. He was absolutely NOT entertaining the thought, he muttered to himself as he walked toward the medical wing. He was just finally losing it, that was all. His loneliness and grief were driving him mad. Sanity was overrated, anyway. Sanity was rubbish. He heard the voice cry out plaintively again, and he paused outside the door he heard the cry come from. The word, written in Gallifreyan, taunted him. Morgue didn’t quite capture it. There was no word in English that he could think of that aptly described the place where you leave to rest the bones of the ones you’ve failed to save. He let his hand come to rest on the door panel, and it slid up to admit him entrance. The auxiliary lights were on in here, too, casting the room in a red glow that made it just that much more nightmarishly hellish. There was a loud crash and bang from inside one of the freezer drawers. He clutched the sonic in his hand like a weapon, though what he would do exactly with it he wasn’t sure. When he realized what drawer the clattering and crying was coming from, he could only laugh hysterically to keep from weeping.

“Please! Please...oh God, please, I’m not dead,” the voice sobbed. “Please Doctor, where are you?”

“You are dead!” he shouted back at her, the hysteria making his voice crack. “You are dead, and I tried to save you, but you wouldn’t let me!”

The banging and clattering stopped then. “Doctor?” the voice came from inside the drawer. “Doctor, let me out!”

He wasn’t sure if he was laughing or crying now. He really had gone mad. Maybe next he’d start seeing his dead children, or his parents. He opened the door anyway though, and pulled open the drawer containing his dead wife’s body, not entirely sure what he was expecting to see. Whatever he was expecting though, it definitely wasn’t a naked, cross, and decidedly living River Song.

“What time! I thought I was going to freeze to death in there!” she said, irritated. “Now help me up, I’m a little stiff from the cold.”

The Doctor’s jaw dropped. “What?” he squeaked.

River fixed him with a look. “Can we talk about all this somewhere other than the morgue? It’s creeping me out. Now please help me up, I’m afraid if I try to stand on my own I’ll just end up going over.”

“What?”

“Doctor, really? Please!”

“What?!”

* * * * *

“Of course I couldn’t just leave your body there like that. It didn’t seem right. I didn’t know for sure who you were, but I suspected. Mr. Lux said we sounded like an old married couple arguing, and I thought maybe he had a point. It was the way you looked at me...I couldn’t just leave you there. Call me a nostalgic old man. I guess I thought maybe I’d take you somewhere beautiful and bury you. But it never happened...” the Doctor said sadly, staring into his mug of tea.

“What did happen then?” River pressed gently.

“...I studied you. Your body. Not like that, but scientifically. I took blood samples and x-rays. I saw that you had two hearts, like me. I couldn’t understand. There are no other Time Lords, but your DNA...anyway, I was fascinated, I suppose. Call it morbid curiosity. I understood then why you said that I didn’t have a chance and neither did you. It burned out both your hearts. I wondered...I thought that maybe, if somehow I could...repair you, or fix your hearts, that maybe I could bring you back. 

So I tried. I grew you new hearts, from cells I’d taken from my own. Not all the tissue in your hearts was damaged. I did it, though...successfully grew you two new hearts. But it didn’t matter. Or at least I thought not. You’d been gone too long. I was able to get both hearts beating, but you were brain dead. I could’ve tried to grow you a new brain, but it would’ve been besides the point. You wouldn’t have been you,” he said, still refusing to meet her gaze.

“And yet here I am. Maybe you did a better job than you thought,” River said with a smile.

“You’re impossible,” he replied, his mouth downturned.

“The computers figured it out, somehow. CAL and the TARDIS worked it out that they could drum up enough power that CAL could upload me. All the way across time and space. No wonder it almost crashed the ship. I’d say I don’t think they anticipated that, but I suspect they did. I suspect they just figured you wouldn’t care. Doctor...are you even happy that I’m here?” she asked.

He looked up from his tea then, a guilty and pained expression on his face. “Of course I am. I guess I’m just wondering still though if this is actually happening, or if I’ve finally gone mad. It should be impossible. I mean, what are the odds of successfully downloading a dead person’s consciousness back into their body?”

“Oh, you’re definitely mad,” she agreed, sipping her own tea. “But it takes one to know one, sweetie. Besides, you’ve poked and prodded and scanned and searched and you haven’t even bought me dinner yet. And it all checks out. I’m alive. This body is alive. It’s living, it’s breathing, both hearts are pumping. I’m just as incredulous as you are...but I guess I have more faith in your brilliance and the TARDIS than you do.”

“Yes, but what happens now? You’re supposed to be my future. Sometime after I’ve regenerated, I’ve figured that much. You being here now...this should be creating some kind of paradox. But I’m not sure what I’m supposed to do. I can’t...I mean I don’t want to...I couldn’t...I couldn’t put you back,” he stammered ineloquently.

“Maybe you don’t have to,” she suggested. “You have me, after all. I know all the journeys the Doctor and River Song take together. I know all the ones they were supposed to take and never did. Nothing in the future has to change, not if we’re careful.”

He smiled ruefully, and gently traced the outline of her face with his fingers. “You know it’s not that simple. You’re alive again, when you should be dead. We could rip a hole in the universe just by having tea together.”

“But we won’t,” she said firmly.

“And how do you know that?” he asked.

“Because I trust the Doctor,” she replied. “Absolutely and completely.”


End file.
